To put it bluntly, I feel like it would be beneficial to be in a hospital. But there are 2.5 weeks of school left. I don’t want to have to repeat anything. I feel dead and I have fits of anxiety and days where I am so depressed that I can hardly move. With anxiety comes tics. Even when something goes well for me, it doesn’t change things all that much. I feel like there’s a chance that I could not make it to September.
I have been trying to take a nap so that I could start homework. Neither was accomplished. I am frustrated.
In that time, I saved 227 kindle books to my wish list for whenever I get one, I started making a mood evaluation, I went through 300+ tweets, I watched a handful of YouTube videos, I corrected information on my fafsa, I started watching a movie about the genocide in Cambodia, I ate strawberries and tortilla chips (awesome dinner, I know), I peed twice, I daydreamed, I thought about my life and my choices, looked up cats to adopt for next year, read a few blog entries, signed some petitions, edited some settings on facebook, listened to some Luther Vandross, Mary J. Blige, computer game music, pondered why white men who hang out with black men have buzz cuts, watched a couple of tutorials (well…stil trying to get through them), and now it’s past midnight and I didn’t accomplish anything on my list. Not even the fun/non-homework stuff. I haven’t eaten or dealt with my asthma issues or cleaned and I certainly haven’t done any homework. Booooooooo.
The thing is I don’t mind being unproductive when I plan to be unproductive…but today? Today I made a list. And now it’s Wednesday which means all the stuff I put down to do yesterday is due tomorrow.
Also…on a different note, my sleeping pills are no longer keeping me asleep. And I’m grouchy! Well, no. Something more passive, like irritable. Doors slamming, people shouting, overuse of the garbage disposal all causing smoke to shoot out of my ears.
At this point I’m rambling because I forgot what I wanted to say. Well now I remember but I’m too tired to go into it so I’ll just say that my medicine wears off too fast. That may be a part of the problem.
Hope no one was as unproductive as me today.
I had to take a nap in order to get enough energy to get some food.
So yesterday I was trying to get my homework done early so I could go to the beach today. It’s after 3pm and I haven’t gotten out of bed. Even though I couldn’t sleep until after 4am I still woke up at 9 something. I’ve just been laying here for 6 hours. I can’t make myself get up to take my pill. I don’t even have the energy to watch tv. Its muted and I’m watching the colors bounce off the wall. I will probably just go back to sleep.
I know I haven’t written in a while and I which I had some great news but I just wanted to get some stuff out into the universe.
Jealousy – My 14 yr. old brother is going through puberty. He has a visible mustache and I recently noticed he has a little hair in the soul patch and mutton chop regions. I am jealous. Even though I’ve resolved that I probably won’t be transitioning for a while, I’m still subbed to a lot of guys and a few gals on YouTube, Tumblr, etc. This is another source of my jealousy. Guys I’ve been watching since they were pre-T have deep voices and goatees to show for their past 6-12 months. What do I have to show? A prescription for Prozac. That’s about it.
Religion – I do have an announcement in this area. I no longer consider myself a Christian. I’m not really sure what I consider myself. I’ve been trying to learn a lot about other religions. I am still really trying to figure out what I believe and what I don’t but it has given me a lot of peace to look at life through a non-evangelical lens. I have never really been an evangelical although I was raised one but didn’t know it until recently.
School/Career – Nearly done with my 2nd year of undergrad. 3.498 gpa thus far. Classes are pretty cool this quarter. Taking steps to get into the teaching field but not really sure which direction I want to go in. Latest career idea is a teacher for a juvenile facility.
Family – I think as a family we are closer than ever. I think it is a combination of my brother and me being older, my parents thinking they’ve saved me/themselves from some awful demon crisis (my transitioning), and the fact that I have pretty much withdrawn from society outside of going to class. I call them a lot more just to hear a human voice. I do love them and I know they love me, but I don’t fit in and I don’t want to.
Other than that I don’t really have anything to tell. At least nothing is currently coming to mind.
So I think it’s working. And I think Wellbutrin was working too, but not as much. I just didn’t know what to look for. But none of it is helping my concentration. Even though I still have trouble sleeping and trouble waking up, I think I have more energy and less suicidal ideation. I still have some but it’s not all the time. Anything else? I don’t think so. I just wanted to write since it’d be a week since I started.
So since my body completely denied the presence of wellbutrin in my system for around a month, I got switched to fluoxotine aka Prozac. But if you call it Prozac it costs $25 and when you call it fluoxotine it only costs $10. Tomorrow will be my first day on it so if something happen over the next two weeks, I’ll write about it. And now after 6 hours of trying to get to sleep, I think I’m finally tired so I take my leave.
Ok. My day kind of feels like that story. I’m in a performance ensemble and we’re performing next week. This particular music tradition doesn’t have a standard “outfit” so we were forced to buy our own. This bugged me because not everyone has the means to go buy some random outfit. Anyway, my mom came to help me buy the pants since it’s easier to go around looking if you have a car. The store we went to didn’t have my size but the store in the next city did. So we went there. Then because we had already driven out there and neither of us had eaten, my mom wanted to go to a restaurant near where we bought the pants. While we were eating, several accidents happened on one freeway causing the freeway to back up as well as the streets. It took us about an hour and a half to get back to my place which would normally only take 15 minutes or less. Because of that, I got a late start on my paper/project. And because of that I am still working on it now (also because of a “study group” that was definitely not that). And because of that I have not adequately studied for my midterm. Because of that I’ll have to wake up early to study. And now I am irritated.
I don’t know why but I have a strong urge to swear for no reason. I need some stuff on hand to do. I’m watching a several hour marathon of the Nanny and trying to type up my study guide. I am really really really not in the mood to do that. I’m also not in the mood to sleep…and not in the mood to be awake. I would like to sleep on a beach but a beach that wasn’t terribly cold at night, with no birds or any other creatures. They can come back when I can watch their whereabouts. Eh…I’ll just download a sleep sounds app. Thank martha for the iphone. Also I want to watch the singing in the rain again. So many good songs. I want a large trampoline. I’ve always wanted one. I could practice my flips. I think I’m going to lock my hair after spring break. I just had a nice…I forgot my thought. I love how awesome Niles’ comebacks are to C.C. Oh! I remember what I was gonna say. I just had a nice thought. After spring break, it’ll only be 10 weeks until summer. I am drowning in schoolwork. It would be great to be in a commercial so I can get a steady paycheck. I always look at casting websites but I don’t want to audition for girl roles. I need to get my flexibility back. My legs are pretty stiff. Well…I guess I’m not going to get anything else done. I might as well go to sleep since the Nanny episodes are starting to repeat. I want sushi. Actually I want anything other than spaghetti and soup. Ok going to bed…at least shutting off the computer. Night.